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Accessories, Life

New Year’s Resolution: Get a New Belt

January 20, 2016 | by Josh

You’re in a public bathroom.

You’ve been in plenty of public bathrooms before. At work. At the mall. The airport. The gas station. The rest stop after you decided that you’ll never frequent another gas station bathroom in your life after that one with the broken mirror, flickering light, and those unidentified stains…

You’ve just finished pooping and you’re feeling proud.

Pooping at home is fine, it’s a home game. You’ve been there plenty of times before, the setting is comfortable and you know the chances of interruption are low. You know that you have a high quality lock on the door.

You’re proud because this is a road win.

This is a sports metaphor, so if you don’t like sports-ball I’ll expand on this. You went into your rival’s house (not litterally… but maybe literally) and you stole one from them. Going on the road and getting a win is tough. The atmosphere is unpredictable. You may face unforeseen equipment challenges because it’s just different enough from your home field. You also face hostile are the fans on the road. Will they hurl insults, or will they resort to throwing things at you? Total unknown.

But you’ve persevered in spite of all of that. You’re even more proud. Time to get out of here.

You clean yourself up with whatever paper is available, in a better world it would be 2-ply but you make do. You stand up and pull up your underwear and pants. Maybe both at once, hoping they don’t get tangled but they do. You get yourself untangled, button your pants and zip them up. You buckle your belt, open the stall door, and go wash your hands.

As you’re washing your hands, you realize something.

You’ve never once washed your belt.

You’re disgusted. You regularly wash your body, and even more regularly wash your hands. You wash your clothes, or at least give your jeans a good soak. You’ve never washed your belt though. Ever. After every disgusting thing you’ve ever done with your pants off you’ve re-buckled your belt afterwards. Whether it was a moment of triumph or a moment of shame, you have to re-buckle your belt.

How long have you owned your belt? Years? Years.

You’re disgusting.

Oh God. What now?

At the very least, you should get some soapy water and wipe down your belt buckle.

You should also clean and polish your belt just like you do your leather shoes. You have a nice leather belt, right?

At this point, though, you’re probably thoroughly disgusted with yourself. I was.

I picked up a new belt from the Allen Edmonds clearance. You should too. And start cleaning your belt every once in a while.

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2 Comments

  • Reply @ChaosKetchup January 20, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    RT @hackercasual: New Year’s Resolution: Get a New Belt https://t.co/MapMbijt8l https://t.co/tAW2RkYqte

  • Reply @ahengel08 January 20, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    RT @hackercasual: New Year’s Resolution: Get a New Belt https://t.co/MapMbijt8l https://t.co/tAW2RkYqte

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