Wear shorts at work because you’ve got a cool, casual office? Time to rethink that stance, Amigo. Pants. Always pants. Here’s why:
1) You don’t work at a beach
You work at an office with conditioned air, controlled lighting, and regulated temps. If you’re overheating, it’s time to think about easing off the second breakfast donut.
2) You are not a growing boy
Like my nephew. He wears shorts because in about a month or so, his pants become capris. Don’t wear capris either.
3) Your legs are ugly
All men’s legs are ugly. They hairy and spindly and ugly. Cover them up. Women’s legs are beautiful — tanned, moisturized, and smooth. They get to show theirs off.
4) You think your legs are beautiful (but see rule #2)
Oh, you have beautiful legs, do you? You bike everyday and your shaved “guns” are totems to your fitness. Cover them up! Time to exit the vanity train, my friend. Save the douchery for the weekend.
5) Look around and who else is wearing shorts
Seriously. Marvin from IT wears shorts year-round. Do you want to be his fashion buddy? Nope.
6) It’s cold outside
Marvin, when it’s winter, you have no excuse at all to wear shorts. You think Monica from legal is dreaming about your wind-burned, chapped ass? Or would the image repulse her to a near-vomiting state? See rule #2.
7) Who will be fired first?
When the unlimited snack pile in the break room dries up and rumors of downsizing start, who do you think is going to be the first out? The shorts people. Management will think: “They just never seemed to have their shit together, did they?”
8) Shorts limit your shoe choices
Shorts look decent with like three types of shoes: sandals, boat shoes, and loafers. That’s it. All other shoes are out-of-play if you wear shorts. Wear pants instead.
9) Pants are cheap
10) Pants always beats no pants
Jerry Seinfeld said it best: “In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no pants.” Pants always beats half-pants too. The only people you’ll have authority over with shorts on are people walking around in their underwear. Have more authority than that.
What do you think? Do you wear shorts to work?
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